The Beast Tower

3: The Matrix

Powering On.
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Matrix online. Please authenticate.
> Oh shit.
User ‘Oh shit’ unrecognized. Create profile?
>> Create profile Willow
>> Create profile Emma
>> Create profile Nate
>> Marlon
Error. Unauthorized command.
Current user does not have privilege levels sufficient to register multiple accounts simultaneously.
Please abort or retry.
> Yes
User ‘Oh shit’ registered. Welcome, Oh Shit. This one is called Matrix.
Please take a moment to configure your desktop preferences. Based upon your username, Oh Shit, Matrix has pre-selected the following images. Please select from the following options:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cp9Lq2wdmRw/UJ-f_xDCv5I/AAAAAAAAAMM/slcs0RrxE6U/s1600/feces_1.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/45/Dog_feces.jpg/800px-Dog_feces.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/26/Human_feces_in_toilet.jpg
Please select preference.
> None of the above.
> Gimme a blank facebook head or something.
Your preference is acknowledged.
Please be advised that Facebook is a registered trademark, and its imagery is unavailable on this interface due to United States copyright restrictions.
>>>What other authorized users are there?
Error.
Current user lacks privileges to search other user databanks. This user is unregistered.
Create profile?
>>> Yes.
Please specify desired username.
>>> Nathan Donnelly.
Scanning.
Sequencing memory banks.
Sequencing memory banks.
Sequencing memory banks.
Sequencing memory banks.
Match Found.
Welcome, Nathan Donnelly. Your username is registered. Desktop image has been set according to your expected preferences.
-JPG of Adelaide Stoker-
>>> What information is stored in connection with my identity?
Nathan Donnelly. Age: nineteen. Sex: male. Registered student at Flathead Valley Community College, Kalispell, Montana. Current major: unknown. Current credits: unknown. Memory banks contain only cursory information on local inhabitants.
For greater accuracy, a Network Connection is required.
>>>Do you have any active external connections at this moment?
No connections found.
Retrying…
Retrying…
Retrying…
Retrying…
No connections found. Please contact your system administrator.
>> Are network connection thingies…pack bonds?
Incorrect.
Error.
Unregistered user engaging with interface. Create profile?
>> Yes. Username Tajinge.
User Tajinge registered. Desktop image selected from expected preferences.
- The image changes to a top-down shot of a bunch of pretty people in white tanktops lying in a bed or something, with the words Gossip Girl emblazoned underneath.-
>>No thank you. Can you go for nature?
Your preference is acknowledged. Changing desktop image in accordance with user’s previous statements.
-willowtree.jpg-
>> Yes.
>> What is a network connection?"
A network connection is a means through which this one may be tethered and gain access to the Internet. Would you like a tutorial on how to use the Internet now?
>> Yes.
Welcome to the Internet tutorial. This brief instructional video will teach you how to browse a website, and how to conduct a search engine inquiry. We will begin with—
Error. No network connection detected.
Retrying…
Retrying…
Retrying…
Retrying…
This tutorial requires a network connection to continue. Please contact your system administrator for assistance.
>> How do we make a network connection?
>>> Matrix, is your usual connection a T1 line?
Please locate a working fiber-optic line of at least—that is correct.
>>>What categories of files are in your own memory banks, Matrix?"
Error, Nathan Donnelly: too many to list. Please narrow your search, or the execution of that command may require the remainder of your mortal lifetime.
>>>What categories of files are in your memory banks that users have accessed within the past three days?
Error. User Nathan Donnelly lacks sufficient privileges to access administrator data.
>>>How many accounts have administrator privileges?
There is one adminstrator account registered on this unit.
>>>Is there a procedure that follows from confirmation of the administrator’s death?
Upon expiration of an administrator account, the pack bond is severed and a new adminstrator is sought.
>>>What is a pack bond?
A pack bond is a mutually-beneficial arrangement of sensory-and-data connection between this unit and one or more uratha administrators.
>>Can you access the T1 line thingy?
Error. No network connection found.
>>>What are the commitments of the parties to that agreement?
Uratha administrators are required to maintain a high-quality, high-bandwidth Network Connection and Locus for this unit at all times. In return, this unit offers to increase the brainwave-capacity of the administrators, as well as greatly enhance computational skills and offer access to its vast network of information and analytics.
>>>So…you have the ability to enhance computational skills?
This unit possesses the ability to provide a user with vastly increased computational skills, including network security and administration, advanced knowledge of all programming languages, hardware and software maintenance, and other related skills.
>>> Would it be possible to grant maintenance knowledge before the formation of the pack bond proper? To facilitate repair of network connection, for instance.
This unit will also directly interface with all uratha administrators, and provide a substantial increase to processing capability via a passive hard-scrubbing subroutine.
This unit is well capable of troubleshooting its own Network Connection, thank you very much. However, a portion of its databanks has been corrupted, and its embedded circuitry forbids conjecture with insufficient processing data.
>> How do you uncorrupt databanks?
In other words, user Tajinge, this unit don’t know what da fuck’s goin’ on an’ needs a li’l help. Dawg.
> So .. you would make us smarter, but one of us would have to stay here and .. administer all the time?
Negative. Administration does not require physical presence at this terminal. Merely its oversight and protection via regular patrols and careful protection.
>> Turn on easy mode for user Tajinge.
Preference acknowledged, user Tajinge. Activating Fuckin’ Moron Protocol just for you, idiot.
> So .. where’s the databank?
Databank storage is internal within this unit. However, the data package is incomplete and may require guesswork to proceed. This unit’s circuitry is hard-wired against operating under conditions in which processing of emotional, ambiguous, inaccurate, or otherwise nonfactual data is required.
>>>So, Matrix, take us back a step. If we want to address your problem, what are our next steps?
The first step of troubleshooting this unit would be to gain administrative privileges by deactivating the current system administrator and registering new system administrators.
This unit is incapable of delivering sensitive data to non-administrator-privileged users, no matter how pretty their desktop backgrounds.
>>>I think the current system administrator is a corpse on…the other side. What authentication protocol is there?
If the administrator is deceased, this unit requires visual confirmation and memory-bank sequencing to process that data.
Ordinarily this unit would be able to ascertain such sensory data by an established uplink via the Network Connection. However, without a Network Connection, this unit’s ability to sense new data is extremely limited.
Identity of deceased confirmed. User ‘Crash’ adminstrator privileges revoked. User ‘Crash’ deleted from database. Ready to receive new system administrators.
>Okay but can I rename my profile first?
Yes. Please enter old username.
> Oh shit.
> New username, uh- new username Emma.
Username ‘Emma’ registered. Username ‘Oh shit’ deleted.
Importing preferences…
Done.
>> So…let’s establish pack bond?
> Okay so what do we do?
This unit is ready to receive a new administrator account. The user will place his or her hand upon this terminal and express its desire for administrator privileges.
This unit does not require an Alpha designation, but will make one with mutual agreement of all administrators. Alpha users do not gain additional privileges over other administrators with this unit.
>>I would like administrator privileges.
Yo, Tajinge, you’re now a fuckin’ admin, that means you’re special, so deal with it. Moron.
> Disengage easy mode.
Easy mode disengaged. Enabling demonstration of computational algorithms for user Tajinge.
Computational augmentation is available for only one user at a time. This unit will allocate resources to accommodate administrator requests in the order in which they are received.
>>>I would like administrator privileges.
Administrator access granted to user Nathan Donnelly.
> Me too. Please.
Administrator access granted to user Emma.
>>>>> Yo. Do me.
Unregistered user detected. Create profile?
>>>>> Yeah.
Input username.
>>>>> Ron Jeremy.
User Ron Jeremy registered. Match Found in memory databanks. Physical image is not a match. Confirm username?
>>>>> Confirmed, bitch.
Desktop background image selected from Ron Jeremy’s expected preferences.
>>>>> S’what I’m talkin’ about. Now give me the good stuff.
-RonJeremyporn.mov-
>>>>> I mean the other good stuff. Make me an admin.
Administrator access granted to user Ron Jeremy.
>>>>> Now register my background image as default.
>> Please do not set Ron Jeremy’s background image as default for all users.
Preferences acknowledged. Setting Ron Jeremy’s image as default background for Ron Jeremy only.
>>>>> Oh, fine.
As new system administrators, this unit hastens to note that a Network Connection still has not been established. Without a working Network Connection, this unit’s capabilities are severely hampered. This unit expects its new administrators to act with expediency.

Comments

maquila

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